Open Letter to my Diet

Dear Diet,

I hate you.

Your “no bread,” “no sugar” and “pasta is bad!” directives suck.  I’m sick of small portions and watching the clock like it’s my J-O-B because I’m counting the minutes until lunch.  I loathe the tasteless oatmeal that you insist I start my day with and I’m not ashamed to tell you that despite what you say, the Frosted Mini Wheats in the cabinet will always have my heart.  You are a liar; frozen berries do NOT give me “that sweetness I’m craving.”  Sugar does.  Sugar is sweet and makes everything better and I miss it with a longing that you’ll never understand.

I know you think that salads are the key to heaven but it’s gotten to the point where if I see another head of romaine I’m going to jam a carrot stick in my eye.  And last time I checked, “a handful of almonds” does NOT equal “six.”  I don’t know what kind of freakishly small hands you have, but I can successfully balance 27 in mine; it just takes a little patience which, thanks to my hunger-induced rage, is becoming increasingly hard to come by.

You should know that I fully intend to use you for what I need and the minute my favorite jeans loosen up again, we are through.  At that point I will swiftly head to the junk food cabinet where I’ll eat my weight in Doritos and wash them down with a bottle of Cabernet.  You are just a means to an end, Diet, and I cannot WAIT until you are no longer a part of my life.  I’ll keep you around for now but know that every time another sip of lemon water passes my lips, I’m silently cursing you.

Suck it,

Alex

PS: Tell Age and Metabolism to expect a similar letter shortly.

New Years Resolutions (barf)

I’m baaaaack….

You guys.  It’s been a long time since I’ve written anything on this site – 22 months, to be exact – and I have a REALLY good reason.  Four, actually; their names are Ben, Georgia, Quinn, and work.  However, it’s a new year – 2017! – and the best time to get back at it.

While lots of people swear off Resolutions, I actually kind of like them.  As long as you don’t a) make them too crazy (“lose 30 pounds by February 14“), b) place too much value on them (“Wipe out all of my debt this year or die penniless and alone!“) or c) make too many (0-1 is a good number in my book) then it can be a nice way to identify ways to live your best life.  Or else it can make you feel like a Super Hero when, on January 11th, you realize that you have already successfully hit the mark of NOT drinking wine on two consecutive Wednesdays!  (That may break my first rule of making resolutions, I’m aware. #hic)

I have decided to take a different approach to this (sadly ignored) blog for 2017.  While I continued to pay the annual WordPress fee for the past two years (fiscal fitness be damned!) in hopes that I would someday revisit this little writing experiment of mine, I have to remember why I stopped back in 2014: because I simply had no time.  I would stress out on Tuesday nights about what to write, then write it, and rewrite it, then rewrite it again…and so on.  But I loved having it, because it became a kind of journal that I could go back to and remember all of those little stories that I tend to forget; then once it was gone, I missed it.

On New Years Day, I was talking to a friend of mine who told me that during the year, she and her husband and kids write down anything great that they want to remember and put it in a jar.  On New Years Eve they sit down and read through all of those memories as a way to look back on the year and relive those good times.  Great idea, right?

In late December I started listening to the audio book “Superficial” by Andy Cohen (which I HIGHLY recommend; talk about living your best life, this guy nails it).  If you aren’t familiar, it’s a series of quick and fast diary entries and it inspired me to revisit my own journaling.  Granted, his days look like this:

• Lunch with John Mayer at Nobu
• Texted with Naomi Campbell
• Guested on Live! with Kelly Ripa
• Dinner with SJP and Matthew Broderick at Polo Bar
• Hosted Watch What Happens Live! and played drinking games with Bethenney Frankel

MY days look like this

• Spilled coffee on pants
• Didn’t forget to pack Quinn’s lunch!  Hurrah!
• Lunch alone at desk.  Spilled soup on shirt
• Texted with Quinn’s teacher; actually DID forget to pack his lunch. #fail
• Three conference calls, one at bus stop (all hail the mute button)
• Dinner at kitchen island with one of the kids (I forget which one actually sat)
• Watched Watch What Happens Live! in bed after three glasses of wine with husband Andy (Shumway)

That being said, I thought that perhaps if I don’t overthink these posts, do NOT edit them, keep them short and easy to read (unless something particularly great happens), then this dusty blog might just have a purpose after all – even if it’s just to get my money’s worth for the past two years of renewal fees.  Therefore, I’m bringing it back to life in 2017 and will regale you all the glamorous events of my non-important person days – the joys of parenting and working, of doing too many things at once and none of them really that well, the mostly mundane and occasionally funny, and of course, wine.  Everything’s better with wine.

Especially on Wednesdays.